Today I needed...

to listen to Pandora on shuffle
to drink tea and sit there thinking about nothing
to take myself out to lunch
to make lists and glue stuff in a notebook
to take my time
to think about being unafraid and fearlessness
to read other blogs and feel inspired
to just be.

The time has come!

To start blogging again and creating again.
To find a space to express my emotions including the anxiety and depression I struggle with.
To feel connected to others near or far.
To do it now.

May is the month!

I'm coming back into a creative space in my life and that means I will need this blog more to help navigate what that means and who I am. I'm going to make May a month where I truly give my art and expression the time it deserves. At the same time, for the first week of May I will be without computer access and cannot yet share what I'm working on. So I guess this means more blog posts once I get "wired" again.

I realize I'm a slacker.

But I get easily distracted and truth be told I often question if I should even have a blog, especially if I treat it this way. I'm doing lots of thinking and maybe in 2010, there will be some changes or even a dismantling of the whole thing. I'm uncertain. I think I should be more creative to have a blog but at the same time I wonder if the blog does make me be creative....Plus I just watched "Julie and Julia" and totally do not want to be like that Julie Powell character...so I don't know.
Good night!

Some things to love right now.

1. Fall is here with its crisp air and changing colors.

2. An upcoming birthday.

3. A few scheduled days of work.

4. They discovered another ring around Saturn, the 8th one, I think it will be called "H."

5. I keep finding actually good news in the daily paper.

6. Time to break out the boots and say goodbye to less sturdy footwear.

7. A working camera.

8. Everyday is another opportunity for happiness.

Trying to stay above water.

Well, things are tough.

Yea, I know I'm not the only one thinking that or feeling that right now. I've been looking for a full time teaching job and although there have been a few interviews, the prospects are not good. I was frustrated the other night, couldn't sleep, and kept thinking about not having a "REAL" job and such when Tyler Durden from "Fight Club" came into my mind saying "You are not your job, you are not your f-ing khakis." And I thought, "So what am I?"

I seem to be struggling with knowing how to move forward, wondering what the next step is or what the right thoughts are. I think I'll back to school but I don't know what I want. Because what I want, I don't seem to get right now, no matter how hard I try. So am I wanting the wrong things?

I also need to be using my creativity more. Doing art, taking art classes, just sitting on the floor making stuff. But there always seems to be an application to fill in or some copy of something to make or online junk to do (which I really hate).

I realize this isn't a very positive or completely interesting post but these things run through my mind the last couple of days. October,while beautiful and spectacular, is also a rather reflective time for me.

What are you thinking about?

Happy October!

Today is the first day of my favorite month and everyday in October, I try to do something to celebrate. Today, since a cold seems to want to take me and a second interview,work,etc. are looming, I spent part of the day in bed, sipping tea and watching movies. Based on Keri Smith's blog, I watched "Tokyo Story." A simple, sweet film about life, family and what is truly important. I had planned to go to the downtown library branch and see the Sumi ink exhibit but I'm afraid my health prevents it today. Perhaps, tomorrow. I also had hoped to take a picture a day to celebrate the month but instead I will capture this moment in my mind. Quiet, cozy, tea filled and resting.

September begins...

And so does school tomorrow. I, as of this moment, do not have a full time teaching job or class of my own but I do have work lined up. So I must be thankful and stay patient, positive and present. My mother's eye surgery has created the opportunity for me to start the year for her. Three full days of teaching this week and then perhaps half days as the month rolls on. Meanwhile, I keep fingers crossed for something more permanent. Last night, I didn't fall asleep until 6am, worrying, thinking, re-hashing and just basically being harder on myself than I am on anyone. Today, weary and a bit more rational, I realize that I am very lucky. Since March the lesson of patience and positive thinking has presented itself to me in various ways and yet, I still forget to be mindful of it. Like my newly started yoga, it is a practice. I'll keep plugging and blogging along. Now, it is time to make a list of fall goals!

I'm thinking of calling it Frank.

I'm having lots of fun riding my new bike. And waiting to see what happens this fall. I've been visualizing myself teaching my own class a lot and keeping good thoughts in my mind. Be patient, positive and present.

I seem to really be slipping lately.

This summer, of course, I don't have exciting or frustrating stories of teaching to share, and apparently I don't have many other thoughts to share since this blog seems to be neglected. I'm still reading the other blogs I follow but for some reason (okay, several reasons) I cannot sit still long enough to write anything worthwhile besides lists.

I think I just don't want to really absorb what all has been going on. I'm dealing with the lovely stress of trying to find a job next year, while knowing that I have to be patient, that nothing really happens until August,etc. But that is hard. Especially when one wants to have just a regular old summer. I mean, I'm sort of bumming around, seeing friends, catching up on movies, getting a bike (here tomorrow, fingers-crossed) and doing the typical summer stuff.

But in the back of my mind and often in the fore-front as displayed in my recent crying fits, is the question "Will I get a chance to do the one thing I really love and am good at (teach) in a class of my own and be able to move out/on with my life or will it be another year of wandering and waiting?" (You can see that since it is such a long question, it must be a really burdensome question.)

I know that I have to be patient and remain positive. That this is a journey I must go through. That I can't understand the reasons for everything right now. But it is hard. I don't think most of my friends understand how much this really troubles me. And how much I sometimes feel like a failure.

And now, I've gone and done it...written too much and thought about the things I'm trying to push away. But the fingers click on the keyboard and I think aloud with this blog...so forgive me, few readers. Next blog post will definitely be upbeat and about MY BIKE!