That dude was right.

I think it was Thomas Wolfe (or Bon Jovi? or Mick Jagger?) who said you can't ever go home again.
I recently experienced this on a subbing job. Let me paint the picture for you.
In 3rd grade, I moved schools. At this new school, I met a dear friend Jennifer who 20 years later I still know. My love of art I believe started to bloom in this environment. These were magical times. I had some of the best teachers I can remember. I even sang in public! Twice!
So, of course, I was curious to see how this place had turned out and gladly took the assignment even though I had heard that it was now a "tough school."
First difference: They wear uniforms. When I was there, a boy named Eoin wore purple (yes purple) sweatpants for weeks.
Second difference: The teachers. They are meaner now. One teacher was borderline bullying a student. I nearly screamed. Plus during lunch, or at least my lunch, no one came into the staff room. At all.
Third difference: Everything is smaller. Now this is weird since I know I was shorter then but I don't think it was by too much.
This whole experience was very odd and I had those sort of silly notions of "Well in my day, we.." But are they really that silly? If a place or time was beautiful, made you happy and shaped who you are today, isn't it right to morn its loss a bit? And even if children are perhaps "tough" shouldn't we give them the option to change or soften? The culture of this school now is fear. I felt like Winston in 1984 searching for my Julia and hiding from the giant screen.

Under Construction, part 2

There might be one snag in my whole "revamp" idea. I had thought of having little weekly or monthly stories that involve my brother. Mostly because those of you that know me know how funny and strange my brother can be. There really have been some priceless moments due to something he said or did. However, I was dumb enough to ask him if I could talk about him on my blog. A giant "NO!!!!" was heard throughout the valley. I even suggested the fake name of Bob to use. He didn't like this either...I'll have to see. While I respect him and love him, I do not fear immediate legal action should I ignore his wishes. I mean it isn't like I'm playing with bad karma by writing about evil ex-boyfriends (which I could and that could have its own blog entirely!) I know there has to be some sort of loop hole. I think these wacky but true stories could add a bit of flair to my blog. Plus, he is my favorite thing to talk about. Let me know what you think/ideas via comments.

Under Construction...

I spent last night, before I fell into a deep sleep due to working out and teaching at a rough school, thinking about my blog. I've got some new ideas for it and so you might be seeing some changes. I might steal an idea from a friend's blog and do some sort of weekly little re-cap (Radiate Warmth, I'm talking to you) but instead it will be about current obsessions, a longer in-depth discussion...Keep an eye on this magpie, she's ready to fly again.

Looking forward.

Next year:

I want to be fit and healthy again.

I want to travel and visit friends who are far from me.

I want to make fabulous artistic creations.

I want to live passionately and completely.

I want to teach and feel purposeful.

I want to be so happy the joy drips from my ears and glows all around me.

I want to save money, move out and feel like an adult again (or maybe even for the first time).

I want to share laughter, stories, and ideas with my remarkable friends.

I want to taste some excellent red wine.

I want to learn and then learn some more.

I want to never look back.

From Rob Brezsny's horoscope:

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I meditated on the perfect holiday gift for you. What might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2008? I decided that if I could, I'd buy you a costume shop. That way you could try on a thousand different masks and disguises. And that would put you in the proper frame of mind for the assignment I hope you will carry out all year long, which is to play with your identity and experiment with new self-images and maybe even treat your life as an epic theatrical extravaganza.

For the next two weeks or so...

I wish you, as Ren and Stimpy used to sing, "Happy Happy Joy Joy!" (or "It's LOG, LOG, it's better than great, it's good!) Merry Holidays and Happy New Year! See you in 08! (8 is my lucky number.)

I'm siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!

It is common knowledge around these parts that I am practically unbearable when I have a cold. Major illnesses or afflictions render me gentler and more slower moving but a cold makes me awful. First, there is the repeating of "I'm going to die." For some reason I have always been convinced that I would be the first person on record to die of a cold. This hasn't proven true yet, but give it time. Second, I become rather whiny. As if the complaining of my impending death wasn't enough, I start to find fault with nearly everything in the world. Television shows that once made me giggle are now "immature or totally dumb." Nothing pleases me. Finally, a cold might give me a slight indication of what pregnancy would be like in terms of appetite. With a cold, I suddenly desire strange concoctions or very specific delicacies. Like "oriental flavored" Top Ramen or cream cheese on dark rye toast. Or the favorite of sick Hillarys everywhere, chicken and stars soup.

Should you find yourself in my company during one of these horrible battles of the immune system, it is best to move carefully. Bring a magazine and tissue, pop in "The Dancing Princesses" from the Faerie Tale Theater collection and exit with your back to the door. Trust me, it's just safer.

It's really quite crippling...

My panic attacks and anxiety has returned. For some time, I did not have the lovely sensation that my heart was going to burst out of my chest. Just recently has this affliction appeared. I missed a friend's performance on Sunday, spent most of Monday in a fog, and last night did not sleep except for maybe a few hours. I don't understand it. Since I've had these issues for a while, I have amassed a pretty big bag of tricks for fighting the attacks. But somehow that did not matter the other night. I've started walking again and listening to my equally emotional girl Fiona Apple helps. I just want this to go away.

Happy Birthday Jay-Z!

I absolutely adore you! Great last album as well. Love, HD-T.

It's all about the benjamins baby!

What is it about money and me that just doesn't click? It's like we have this decent relationship that I work so hard to make better but money doesn't understand me and we end up fighting. Money is like that well-meaning friend that keeps you out until 3 in the morning the night before a big test saying "You deserve to celebrate, you studied hard." Money is unreliable and fickle and no matter what I do to make him stay, he usually is gone in the morning. I am attempting to save and had succeeded in setting aside a small amount. But already, due to impending holidays, gas or even prescriptions, I find myself tapping into the sacred savings. This frustrates me since it feels like I am participating in a vicious cycle with the greenery. I want to change my financial future as well as just the simple request of being able to move out but I'm unsure if this will ever happen. Should I dump money or say "We need to talk"? The saga continues...