Foreign films and photos.

Sometimes I think that there is a wheel in my brain with all of my interests or obsessions written on it. And I give this wheel the occasional turn and the arrow lands on that word and that is what I am focused on. I think this because I seem to return to the same obsessions over and over again. Like films. I have been fascinated by foreign films for years now. I'll go threw these crazy spells where I rent like 5 of them at once with 8 on order from the library and then I just watch them for days. Then the fever will die down and I'll continue onto something else. But foreign films always returns. Same with photography. I absolutely am enthralled by photography but it seriously comes in waves. Take for instance this recent wave. I borrowed a magazine from a friend. Inside the editor's letter spot, they had included a list of female photographers. So I start thinking about photography again. And then I'm driving looking at the sights like possible photographs which makes me think about black and white film, which makes me think about foreign films and then I realize the wheel has begun turning again. It really is quite remarkable.

Thank you

For crisp clean autumn air.

For falling leaves.

For terrific pals and a loving family.

For clam chowder, jersey sheets, and tea.

For second chances and growing.

For laughing, crying, and feeling everything.

For my hands, health, and hair.

For this day and every day after.

For my amazing life.

Some different views of love.

Sunday morning.

Do you ever have those mornings when you want to write or paint or collage something profound but really you can't? Like your brain is mush and no matter how much coffee you drink, you can't seem to really wake up. You feel like you should be doing something artsy but you just can't. And it isn't for lack of trying, it just is because you are tired and more interested in looking at Target ads than something more intellectual. So, my contribution this morning for my art is a picture I took of a star. That hangs in my car. Ha! Now I've got a picture and a rhyme. I'm going back to bed!

Making it all worthwhile.

From a student that I substitute taught this week.

Further adventures of (sub) teaching is hard.

I made a kid cry.

I cried. (not in front of them but on the phone to my mom.)

Not all the lesson plans were there today.

I couldn't find materials.

Then there was a fire drill.

I'm going to lie down now.

(Sub)Teaching is hard.

If you are reading this and have any inclination to become a (substitute) teacher, I have few words of warning. First, you will find that you say things to 8 year olds that you never thought you'd ever say. Like "You are this close to going to the office!" or "What should you do first, raise your hand." Secondly, things like raising hands, staying in your seats, or even bathroom breaks become these monumental issues. Since when was I given the power to allow someone to urinate? Sorry if that was too graphic but it really is something I wonder. Third, you suddenly understand what it feels like to be a tourist. You have no idea what the social codes are or even what things are called. "It's not a math folder, it's our Saxon math folder." Finally, you barely have enough energy to write your blog, let alone make a decent dinner. (Frozen food, friend.)

Before this gets too self-indulgent...

I'm thinking this blog is turning too much into a 13 year old's diary...without the "Does Bobby like me?" questions. I sort of lost my focus there for a while due to illness and just changes in general. I have to remember that my art is the real reason behind this online business. So, with the aid of a newly received Joseph Cornell box/biography/gift set, I am buckling down and getting back on track. Insert whatever metaphor or cliche about returning to your original purpose here. Back in the saddle? On the road again? hmmm...

Right now.

Forgive yourself. Let go of the past. Keep moving forward. Let it be. Forgive, forgive.

Changing my thinking.

I might change this blog a bit so that there is more of a theme than my ramblings. I was thinking more about what a magpie really does and that is find things, collect things,etc. So I might give myself the project of finding something unique, absurd, magical, or whathaveyou everyday. The first entry probably will come from the book I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love." I had been thinking about some certain questions when last night, while reading, there on the page before me was everything I had been wanting to hear. A complete and total sign that the universe sometimes shows me. Freaky.

I'm tired, getting sick and depressed.

Okay, I want to know why just as soon as I feel like I'm getting my life together, I either get sick or start to doubt myself again. I did see an old dear friend today and am going to a wedding planning party in a little while. But I can feel the old nagging inner critics starting to rev their engines. Why is it so hard to give yourself the love or forgiveness you give to others? Why can stupid meaningless things or even individuals knock us on our backs just as we finally master walking in heels? Why? Perhaps these are questions I have to work through as Rilke mentions in one of my favorite books. But I have a feeling Rilke never was a twenty-something girl with emotional baggage and a tendency to over-analyze.

I'm so far behind.

Thanks to keri smith's blog and therefore hula seventy's blog, I just now found out that November is National Blog Posting Month. The idea is to post everyday for the month of November. I'm behind but I think I might give it a try. I've been needing a project as of late. I'm waiting for my workout dvds to arrive and in the meantime, I sold out and got a stupid myspace page. It is super private just because I have heard horror stories about weirdos or creeps emailing people. I also just did it mostly to stay in touch with a few friends. But really, I'm so dumb that I had to have someone help me figure out how to do it/set it up/etc. I'm really tired tonight. I'm getting up early to meet a friend for coffee and I'm thinking that a bubble bath (lavender and chamomile) might be in order. I haven't been sleeping well. Too many worries, bad memories. Why are we so freaking hard on ourselves? Why do things bug me at like 2am when I can spend the whole day not even thinking about them? I'm ready for some changes. And some new projects.

An Agent Provocateur.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I believe that doing the challenging assignments I'm about to describe will put you in alignment with cosmic rhythms, and make it more likely that you will attract grace and synchronicity into your life. You are, of course, under no obligation to carry them out. That's because you have free will, and are always at liberty to choose a path that leads you away from grace and synchronicity. With that as a caveat, here are the roles I believe you should play in the coming week if you'd like to thrive: a catalytic X-factor; a tender wild card; a friendly shocker; a nonviolent bombshell; an agent provocateur who loves all you survey.--Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology for week starting Nov.8.

He is always so dead on that it scares me. Just when I need some sort of advice, this column smacks me on the head and sums up everything that I'd been feeling. Now that the days are getting shorter and it gets dark so blooming early, I need some comforts. Let a good book, insightful horoscopes, tea, and jersey sheets to curl up in while I watch Law and Order:Criminal Intent or My So-Called Life. I love fall!